Minors and Collars

CONTENT WARNING: child sexualization, child pornography, sexual offenders, sexual assault, rape

Recently I made a post on my personal Facebook and it has caused some debate.

I brought up collars and kids because of finding a red faux leather kitty shaped O-ring collar in the bedroom of my 13-year old while she was cleaning it. A similar one is pictured here and can be found online at Spencer’s for about $25 (USD). The company that sells it is called Pleasure Bound at least with Spencer’s.

The main reason I made the post was so that parents could make their own decisions on letting their kid(s) wear this “necklace” style or not. And I will go into it further here.

Now, there is a difference between a choker and a collar: it's the location of placement on the neck. The ones with an O-ring more specifically are commonly used among those who are involved to varying degrees with the Kink and Fetish community. And it is this style of choker that we are discussing for clarity, as there are other ways that are usually more discreet that provide the same messages to those who know.

The necklace with a circle on it, whether it is big and obvious or smaller, is often used by those who are part of and play in the fetish and kink communities to signal that they belong to a person(s) as their submissive in some form. The bonds that are created in these relationships are normally extremely strong and rely on some of the highest levels of communication and trust I have come to know.

There are a few reasons I bring this up. And sexualizing children is not the first reason why, but it is a concern which I will address first.

We don’t live in a safe world. Plain and simple. This world is full of people who will take advantage of kids at all ages. And it honestly won’t matter what they are wearing when it happens. However, by allowing kids to wear the style of necklace or really anything that is intertwined with the communities and symbolizes specific aspects that one is involved in, there becomes a risk that pedophiles try to target them in those specific aspects than they would otherwise.

It isn’t about wanting or trying to sexualize the minor wearing the necklace, but it is likely to happen. I wish that it was just a cute necklace that I could let my daughter wear, but I know that some people are going to think differently.

I remember being 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and so on, getting eyed up and down for wearing anything tight by gross older men in the parking lot when I was with my mom as we walked into the store or back to our car. I remember the first time I had an older man ask to see me naked when I was 13 and on vacation playing with a new friend I made, it was her uncle who asked. I remember having older men commenting on how they wish I was 18, when I was 14 through 17. I remember the first time I was sexually assaulted by someone older, I was 15. I remember the first time I was raped, I was 18. And I know that it wouldn’t have mattered what I was wearing, because it didn’t matter in any of those situations. However, I know that had I worn specific things like a necklace that to them is a neon sign saying, “groom me, I’ll be your sex slave cause I don’t even know what this necklace symbolizes,” that they would use that ignorance against me. My ignorance already was used against me, and I am not naïve enough to think that it couldn’t have been worse. Now as an adult, it scares the living shit out of me to know that the world hasn’t changed that much and that my daughter is now getting those same looks.

I give her freedom to express herself when it comes to clothing and accessories, but I have also given her boundaries based upon where I feel it is appropriate for her age. We discussed it though. I explain to her exactly what and why I find certain things appropriate and I let her know we can re-evaluate it when she gets a bit older. Usually, I give her specific timeframes when I am willing to discuss it again, that way it isn’t something that gets brought up frequently. I have to trust that she is going to listen to me, or she will find out my consequences for her if she doesn’t listen.

Another aspect that most people don’t know is regarding the Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1988, H.R. 5210. The guidelines for enforcing these laws (informally known as 2257 regulations) (C.F.R. Part 75), require producers of sexually explicit material to obtain proof of age for every model they shoot, and retain those records. This Act, the entire chapter 110 of the US code, and other laws were created to protect the exploitation of minors.

For those who are professional photographers, such as myself, or anyone who is considered a primary or secondary producer of sexually explicit content must be able to prove at the time of the created work the individual was over the age of 18. Girls Gone Wild faced a lot of legal trouble for not keeping proper records and exploiting minors in multiple videos they put out to production.

The 2257 regulation was created in alliance with the Act in order to guide and aid its enforcement. Which means failure to be able to comply with the laws will result in criminal charges of the primary producer and/or secondary producer. The law however is not specific as to what is and isn’t encompassed in this. All that is clear is that the standard of what is harmful to minors usually can differ from the standard applied to adults. That harmful materials for minors can include any communication consisting of nudity, sex or excretion that appeals to the prurient interest of minors, or is patently offensive to prevailing standards in the adult community with respect to what is suitable material for minors, and/or lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value for minors.

In addition to facing imprisonment and fines, convicted producers or secondary producers of the federal obscenity laws involving minors may also be required to register as sex offenders.  And, in some circumstances, obscenity violations involving minors may also become subject to prosecution under federal child pornography laws, which yield even more severe statutory penalties.

What does this have to do with minors and the collars? I know it seems serious that we can go from collars to federal sex offender registries, but the laws being fluid depending upon who is the judge, allow for interpretation on what is obscene. Potter Stewart (1915–1985), associate justice of the Supreme Court from 1958 to 1981, is commonly remembered for his famous non-definition of obscenity: “I know it when I see it.” When it comes to items such as collars like the one pictured and described above, handcuffs, riding crops, and other items used both in the community and outside of the community lead it to become a lot more grey as to deciding what is and isn’t harmful and obscene for a minor to be exposed to. With laws not being as updated to keep up with technology, the leap CAN be made that a child who takes a photo with certain materials and not in the right context is a primary producer. It is the same laws that are made to protect the kids that can punish them if they are a minor taking sexually explicit photos, and I do believe there has been legal cases throughout the United States where they sought charges against the minor who took the photos.

I write all of this for you to become informed and to be able to make your own choices as to what is best for your child(ren) and what they should be allowed to wear. Personally, I advocate for letting our kids make their own choices in many situations, or at least having a voice, but in ones like this when it came to my own daughter, I was clear that until she was at least 17 she did not need to be wearing collars and explained what they symbolized. She met me with a “that’s weird” expression and had no problem with the fact I wasn’t letting her continue to wear the collar. Some parents would rather allow their child(ren) to wear it knowing they aren’t doing it behind their back at least, and that is okay too. Everyone has their own life experiences and should be able to make the informed choices that they feel is best for their child(ren).

I’m lucky enough my daughter is at the age where most things relating to sex are still gross. She knows when songs are about sex, and honestly gets exposed to worse things by the other teens in her school than this collar. This exposure is why we keep open communication around anything to do with sexual education so she can have the opportunity to make informed decisions before she does anything. I also do this so that she is hopefully able to see red flags that I didn’t know were to be cautionary over, and not have to worry about healing the trauma she could go through like I have been doing.

My parents always hoped I was smart enough to know, but because I didn’t know what to be looking out for, I didn’t know what I should have been avoiding which is why I’ve always felt education is one of the best tools I can give my daughter. My parents protected me the best way they thought to, but my ignorance in some subjects left me wide open for a lot of older men to have been able to take advantage of me in various ways when I was still a minor.

Since I made my original post on Facebook, and the debate has begun, I have actually taken the time to sit with my daughter and talk to her about the other opinions that have been shared. She honestly started to laugh as she giggled out, “what the fuck?” Yes, I allow my daughter to cuss under specific circumstances, and being alone with me as long as it is not excessive is one of those times. I’m working on teaching her control and to be aware of what she is saying and around who so that way when she is in situations she needs to mind her tongue, she’s had better practice doing so. With her in specific, she said she understands why I don’t want her wearing one of those, she doesn’t care if she has to be older, she doesn’t know if she likes that thought of being property (we didn’t go that far into the conversation on being someone’s submissive, I told her when she was older we would get more into that), she has other necklaces she can wear, and that it sucks that people are gross pedophiles.

To which I fully agree that it sucks. Until she is older I won't allow her to wear the necklace above because I don’t want her to risk someone trying to groom and victimize her in a way I pray that never will happen to her like what I had to go through and continue to work to overcome.

Do your research, and learn more about some of the trends and things your kids are doing. Knowledge can be the best tool they have access to if they want to be able to have the ability to make more informed choices in their life. Let’s do our best by them so they do not have to go through the same pains and traumas that many of us had to endure in the various ways everyone has had to deal with through their life. Our kids deserve more and we can offer them that.